I. Love. You. Too.

Highlights:  The kiddies graduate from high school, except for KleptoJenny and SuicidalEric, and including DownerDan even though his name isn’t in the graduation program—heeeheeheeeheeeHAHAHAHAHAAAA

SluttySerena has long been the topic for Gossip Girl and her arrest is no different.  Blair says that GossipGirl won’t follow them to college.  SS hasn’t told Chuck that B ended things with BoringNate.

LongLostVanessa creepily records BN who’s starting his stint at the mayor’s office soon.  He apologizes to LLV for how he left her for B.  She’s going to NYU after backpacking.  He says, “Hey, stop by my party.”  STOP IT WITH THE HEY.  DownerDan overhears and is all, Can I come Can I come?

KleptoJenny is dressed for a black tie affair at graduation.  The Chickadees are searching for the next queen and tell her the gal with the best gossip will win.  B disapproves of their headbands and claims that only she can choose who’s next to reign.  The Chickadees insist they will choose, not B, at BN’s party later.  They may choose Emma, the girl B babysat for not even a year ago.  What the?

SS finds DD in the courtyard at school and asks why he’s all alone.  Umm, because he has no friends and is a tool?  His name has been left out of the program.  Hahahhahaaa.

B and C meet up and it’s torturous.  She can’t bring herself to tell him that she broke up with BN.

RockinRufus sits right next to JudgyLily at graduation because it’s not like there are a bunch of other rows to sit in, including the one behind her.  Instead, PapaCy and NastyMom slide in there and urge the two of them to get married soon.

Why can’t SS wear a graduation cap like everyone else?

Everyone gets a blast from Gossip Girl at the ceremony: BN is the class whore; DD is the ultimate insider; Chuck is a coward; Blair is a weakling; SS is officially irrelevant.

That about sums it all up.

SS wants to stop Gossip Girl but the Chickadees don’t want to be involved.  B, BN, and C will try to help SS find out who GG is.

RR apologizes to JL for “before.”  She doesn’t know which “before” he means and doesn’t understand why her secretly giving him money was a problem.

BN tells his grandfather about his affair with the Duchess last summer.  Gramps says he’ll protect BN.  C asks BN if he’s seen BN’s girlfriend.  BN tells C that B broke up with him.

SS asks DD what GG meant about him being the insider.  DD is already above high school.  SS says that they’re still friends.  DD is like, No there’s no point to our friendship.

The four members of the Nancy Drew Crew use their deduction skills to figure out who GG is.  They check out Facebook to help them.  C distracts everyone at the party into being quiet while SS sends a text to GG so they can see who receives the text.  Umm, why didn’t they come up with this plan in the very first episode? 

Johnathan’s cell phone goes off. SE’s boyfriend is Gossip Girl!

No, not really.  He hacked into her server when he was bored.  He and SE have been getting all the messages she’s been getting.  She’s got em stockpiled to send out when they can hurt people most.  KJ finds one on B that would surely make her queen with the Chickadees.

RR plays his poor guitar at the Poor House when DD decides to go to a movie instead of going to BN’s party because he’s already so over high school.  Man, graduation made him even more of a tool.  RR insists he go to the party.  He does and then JL arrives with beer and pot that she stole from C.

Party Time!  NellyYuki is beyond drunk and tries to tell DD she loves him (maybe) but then sees SS and runs away.  KJ finds B to tell her that GG knows about New Years.  B refuses to believe that the Chickadees don’t bow to her anymore.  KJ decides to use the info to be queen.

Once again, B and C are alone in a room, loving each other but not admitting to it.  She strips off her clothes.  He gets to the “I” part but the “love you” is interrupted by another GG blast.  Seriously?  Torture.

GG tells them to blame SS for forcing her to drop all her gossip at once:  ChildTeacher skipped town because DD slept with her during the play; KJ had topless photos taken of her and BN kissed her right afterwards; DD was in jail; B slept with C’s uncle; C slept with “that girl from Brooklyn.”

C and B blame SS, as GG told them to.  BN and DD stand up for SS.  B says that GG was right about at least one person:  DD.  He is the insider, and while he pretends to be so different, he’s exactly like them to the bone.

B corners C to talk about their love.  Again.  She thinks GG as right about him being a coward but she refuses to be weak.  She says, “Chuck Bass, I love you . . .I know you love me too.”  He takes her wrists and pulls her hands away from his face.  He says that was true.  He walks out.  She sheds that single tear reserved for these C situations.  TORTURE!

In the Poor House, JL and RR reminisce about how they used to be.  He gives her a paper bracelet, the kind you wear at concerts, in lieu of an engagement ring.  She will accept him as her fifth husband.

BN finds SS and says, “Hey.”  I shit you not.  SS wants to fix the mess she started tonight.  She wants GG to meet her at the bar in an hour.  She threatens to reveal who GG is if she doesn’t show, yet SS doesn’t know who GG is.

B finds KJ in the bathroom to tell her that C doesn’t love her anymore and she can use that gossip to be queen.  KJ doesn’t want the gossip.  B says you need to be cool to be queen and you can make people fear you rather than love you, which is why she deems KJ the next queen.

DD shows up at the bar where SS and BN are waiting for GG.  No, he’s not GG.  He basically stalked SS. She doesn’t want to be irrelevant.

B walks in.  KJ walks in.  They received text to come there.  Then the entire graduating class shows up, all having received the same text.  Then they get another GG blast.  GG says that they are all GG and they should remain friends.  She plans to follow them to college.

SS asks B where C is.  B says it’s over once and for all.  He’s outside, looking in through a window.  But then he walks away.

A week later, JL has a ring.  SE is excited to have RR’s waffle maker in his kitchen.  SS and B have found out from GG that C is in Europe.  B gives SS a framed version of SS’s mugshot.  SS is going to Europe.  B wants to stay in one place.

In a downtown coffee shop, DD tells LLV he misses high school.  BN arrives, slumming it once more, and says that the deputy mayor was hitting on him so he wants to go backpacking instead.  LLV says that she already found a replacement for BN on the trip and points to a random guy who’s reading behind her.  BN begs to go.  She decides he can.

The Chickadees try to give Emma the queen tiara.  B stops them because KJ dropped a crapload of gossip about them all.  Since RR is marrying JL, KJ is now richer than all of them.  That combination makes her queen.

RandomReaderBoy calls him mom and says he’s going to like NYU.  Then he reads about RR and JL in a newspaper as he stares at DD.

DD gets a call from Georgina.  She says he should check his accounts because all his money is back.  He says that he’s already going to NYU.  That means he can’t take his money back? 

Then G tells the housing office that she wants to room with Blair at NYU next semester because they’re good friends.  (As if B won’t be notified beforehand?)

Carter Baysin finds SS on the street.  He’s back from Dubai.  He tells her that he found what she’d been looking for when they were in Santorini—her father.

C is waiting for B with flowers at her limo.  He went abroad to buy her macaroons.  She can’t believe him because he’s hurt her too much.  He says that this time she can believe him.  She doesn’t want to.  Then he holds her.  He says, “I love you, too.”

Omigod!  I love you, too!!!!!

And now, as the kiddies go off to college, my recapping comes to an end.  I know, Gossip Girl plans to follow them, but things just aren’t the same in college life.  Sigh. 

It’s been wild.  You know you love my recaps.  XOXO.

Hey Jesus?  The Bitch Is Back

Highlights: JudgyLily judges; RockinRufus reverts; Georgina converts; SluttySerena tries to make things better, but only Chuck and Blair are capable of such things

Chuck takes Georgina back to the city via taxi.  She refuses his offer of alcohol because it’s not Jesus-like.  SluttySerena calls to apologize to C for not believing him about Gabe.  She never believes anyone!

SS tries to tell JudgyLily about the scam but JL instead gives her the family’s antique bracelet to represent SS’s becoming a woman.

Blair tries to leave BoringNate’s new place to help SS.  BN wants an answer about whether or not she’ll live there with him.  She won’t answer and BN tags along to help SS.

RR has turned into a complete moron, albeit a happy moron.  He gleefully strolls down the street with the Humphrey offspring and says he’s going to ask SuicidalGayEric for permission to marry JL.  DownerDan goes off to bribe SS with a latte so she’ll come to brunch and witness the proposal.

B arrives at SS’s and neither of them want BN there, but he doesn’t catch on.  He’s so pretty.  B and SS say that feelings for boys make them do silly things.

C brings home G.  She wants to apologize to B.  C makes her wait in the foyer as he heads up to help SS who is calling Gabe to say she’s pregnant.  She tells C she didn’t call the cops because she doesn’t want JL to know about the scam.  She thinks her and Gabe’s feelings were real so she can get the money back.  C and B want C to handle it instead.  DD and his stupid latte overhears about the money and tells SS that RR invested his college fund with Gabe and he wants to tattle.  SS begs him not to tell anyone.  B says it will take an act of God to get the money back this way.

Enter.  Georgina.

Reactions:  DD—Someone needs to get this crazy girl out of here.

B—Are you trying to have me killed?

BN: Shhhhhhh (translation: my manbangs are so pretty)

SS—You bring Georgina here?

Gab comes to meet SS at the restaurant.  She reveals she’s not pregnant and knows about the money.  He says Poppycock took it and he doesn’t have it.  C enters to let him know that he can’t leave until he gives back the money or they’re going to the feds.

DD bumps into JL after brunch.  He does his usual nervous babbling and spills the beans about the money.  JL tells him not to tell RR and that she’ll take care of it. 

Gabe explains to C and SS how Poppycock used him to get investors and then how he had to develop a Ponzi scheme to keep the money coming.   Poppycock is the one they want.

C goes outside to tell B, BN, and G about Poppycock.  SS and Gabe emerge, him all apologies and how his feelings were real.  They let Gabe go without confirming his story but with SS’s reassurance that if they need to find him, it won’t be difficult.  Umm, why are they trusting SS?  She can’t use the pregnancy bit again.  They realize Poppycock wants more money so they will trap her using Georgina.

At home, JL develops a financial plan to pay back the investors and save face.  She calls SS naive and tells her that Poppycock must get away with it so they don’t ruin SS’s reputation.  Then she creates a different payout for RR.

On the street, SE tries to convince RR not to marry JL because JL has a touch of the nutloaf.  RR loves the taste of nutloaf so SE grants him his blessing.

At B’s, she convinces G to restyle herself, pointing out that helping in the revenge plot is God’s way of letting G gain forgiveness from B. 

Poppycock shows up at SS’s to have tea with JL.  Where did the tea come from?  They have a tea party in waiting just in case?  SS wants to call the police but JL insists on letting P go to Miami.

C, SS, BN, and B sit around and plot to get Poppycock with the newly styled, fake-daughter-of-an-oil-tycoon Georgina.  DD calls SS and she yells at him for telling JL.  He overhears that they’re going to The Russian Tea Room.

RR sets up a flower adorned meal to prepare to propose.  KleptoJenny distracts JL by talking about Twilight as RR sets up.

Our Fave Five arrive at The Russian Tea Room.  Before they go in, BN asks C to stop lying to himself about B.  He tells him to man up or cut B loose because BN wants her.  Then they make out because of all the sexual tension.  Okay, fine, they don’t make out but you know that they so want to.

RR finds the ledger about JL’s special payout to him in a drawer at JL’s while she’s on the phone with SS, trying to get SS to stop the sting operation.  SS refuses to listen to her mother, as usual.

Georgina convinces Poppycock that she wants to invest.  P wants cash so G hands over an envelop-full.  It’s the money from Christ Camp to buy Bibles. P leaves.

Meanwhile, C and B, yet again, have a heart-wrenching tragic conversation about how C is always there when she tries to move on and how he wants her to be happy and doesn’t want anyone to ever be as unhappy as he is.  She wasnt to know if it’s a game or if it’s real.  He whispers, It’s just a game; I hate to lose; You’re free to go.  B lets her signature single tear fall.  She snaps, Thank you, and rushes off.  SS, having overheard, asks C why he did it.  He says, I love her but can’t make her happy.  THIS IS TORTURE!  YES!  STILL!

Outside, SS gets arrested.  HAHAHHAHHAAAAAAAAAA.  She keeps repeating, Call Chuck! as B claps at the officers once as a signal to stop what they’re doing to her friend and BN looks on helpless (but still pretty).  B goes back inside and accuses G of double crossing them, but G declares she lost her money and didn’t do anything wrong.

Turns out JL called in the bracelet as stolen to get SS to be in jail and avoid ruining the Van der Woodsen name.  She decides to let SS stay in jail but not press charges, obviously, to let the situation blow over. 

C arrives at the station and barges in to see what he can do to get SS out.  B tells BN she got an answer from C and she can now answer him.  She will not move in with BN.  BN replies that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to live together anyway.  She still wants him to take her to prom. 

G calls B.  She’s back to being the old Georgina, and she wants B to let Jesus know.  I wonder if she’ll go by the name Sarah again.  She plans to fix the Poppycock mess.

RR fights with JL about leaving SS in jail.  He says that JL is acting like her mother.  He returns to the Poor House and tells his kids to return the ring for him.

C, BN, and B remain at the police station, working all angles to get SS out.  Awww!  This is so reminiscent of how they pulled together to make SS not be drunk and how they pulled together to make her not a murderer and how they pulled together to make DownerDan go away.  Good times.  Great memories.  

Inside, SS poses for some eerily-lit mugshots.  Her hair still looks fabulous.  Those will surely show up on Smoking Gun.  Or, in this case, Gossip Girl.